I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
from now on my penis is your penis
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
