I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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