We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
