all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
