Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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