I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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