it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
