Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
