I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
