I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
