Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
