i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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