My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
