she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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