you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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