after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
