someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
