you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
