and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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