you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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