the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
