The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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