Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
