just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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