If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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