I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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