Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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