Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
