At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
No stitches, just platelets and will power
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
