Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize