Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We had sex on a dog bed..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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