problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
