his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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