Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Panties = found
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
