I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
