If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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