I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
