You smell like stripper and shame
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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