also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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