The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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