i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
