dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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