You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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