We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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