Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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