So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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