If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
