We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
