she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
