One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
