pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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