Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
