I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
