That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
