I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
