The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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