Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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