I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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