I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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