My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
