the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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