today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ladies don't puke and tell
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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